| Doublebinds
In psychiatry, we put great emphasis on sending
out clear, undiluted, authentic messages where your body language
matches your words - always with a single meaning.
A 'double bind' is referred to often as "being
between a rock and a hard place" or a "Catch 22".
A double bind is a mixed signal - like a
faulty traffic light that is green and red at the same time.
Double binds create stressful feeling and
cause problems. What do you do when approaching a mixed signal?
Go? Stop? Give Up? Life has become so fast-paced.
In the 'good old days' people would slow
down when they saw a yellow light. Now they speed up.
When I see a "don't walk" sign
I think…"Is this a question or a statement?" So
I tell the crosswalk sign how I feel. "Yes, I don't walk…I
use a wheelchair…at least I'm not stuck for eternity at this
corner."
Double binds happen to us all of the time.
It is no wonder that Americans are stressed out today, because we
are not bombarded with double messages. e.g. Marketing in America
has taken all of psychiatry's double bind theories and gone to the
bank with them.
How often in the last few days have you been on the phone attempting
to get an answer about some items on your cable bill (cell phone,
utility bill, etc.)? While you are waiting for a real live person
you hear a recording telling you how dedicated the cable company
is to you, how inexpensive their services are compared to others,
and the their company is built around you.
When the customer service representative
comes on the line, she never answers a question that you ask; she
repeats what you already know and will not discount any item on
the bill. Before hanging up she nicely lets you know that you have
now accrued a late fee - while you were on the phone with her! Wow.
Another example is the medication for depression TV ads. The commercial
starts with some person obviouslysuffering from depression or anxiety
(two problems I specialize in - in my psychotherapy practice.)
Then comes the name of the medication, and
while you are listening to beautiful music and observing happy people
on the screen, the announcer begins to list all of the side effects
of the medication. If you listen closely, those side effects are
very serious.
Here you are in another double bind, especially
if you are depressed, and who wouldn't be by now?
What to do about all of this? First become
aware of the double binds coming your way.
(By the way, psychiatrists still say that
awareness of having a problem is the most important step in solving
it. i.e.you cannot change what you do not acknowledge.) It is more
difficult to be aware of this problem when you are the sender of
double bind messages. People will give you feedback about this if
you give them a chance. (If you have lost a lot of friends recently…it
might be inventory time!)
Find Humor in Double Bind Situations
My primary goal is to find the humor in double bind situations.
My hope is to screen out the double binds and take from it what
computes for me.
If I have to be around someone who communicates
this way regularly, I gear myself up for the red/light green/ light
dilemma and decide for myself whether to come or go. (More of ten
than not, it is time to go - another route away from this person!)
Get on a roll to help yourself out of these
situations because it is extremely stressful.
My double bind experiences, especially on
the telephone, have turned into my best comedy material. Even if
you do not aspire to be a comedian, take note of what you experience
on the phone and tell yourself that you are going to find something
funny about it. Put it aside. Talk to a humor buddy about it. Review
your notes, put the punch line at the end, and send it into Reader's
Digest. If they use the line, you make some money; if they don't
you have just given yourself and your spirits a lift. (By the way,
in psychiatry, when we do something positive with a situation we
call it a "therapeutic double bind.")
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